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The Apprentice had chocolate and sex appeal oozing from its contestants with sales tactics that included everything but the pole. Jealousy sent one contestant over the edge making you wonder if Slugworth ever pushed Willy Wonka to the point were he would drop his drawers to peddle some gobstoppers. I shudder to think.
Early on in this week’s effort, it’s obvious that this top five is not for real. Kelly is the only deserving one left, and possibly Kevin. I was punched in the stomach last week and I still haven’t quite recovered. This episode had we wondering where have all the Apprentices gone? At this point last season, Bill and Kwame were money in the bank and Troy was impressive as well. Even Amy and Nick showed signs of life when they weren’t spooning each other.
But my boy Andy got sent to the back of the fridge with the Thanksgiving leftovers because Jen couldn’t keep her trap shut about their little chat. I had no doubts he was surviving until she decided to contribute. Sandy look liked she was swallowing her tongue in the Pepsi presentation but Jen bailed her out. Although, I’ll admit, that bottle was not a looker. When I heard words like “bulbous” and “geography” I got a bit concerned. I couldn’t see the folks who set Michael Jackson’s hair on fire getting excited about bulbous geography.
With Andy gone, I was somewhat bitter and the Donald’s early ramblings about himself seemed more irritating than usual. It’s getting old and he needs to cool it next season. I haven’t seen plugs that shameless since Elton John’s first Rocket man tour.
The task is to don a Laverne & Shirley hair net and hit the floor of an assembly line to create the next big thing from Mars: the m-Azing bar. Kevin narrates the process of candy bar construction which he manages to do without flooding the factory with sweat. His Show 'N Tell is tedious and feels like a second grade field trip to Dunkin’ Donuts. I think I speak for the nation at this point when I say, “Yeah, that’s good, Kevin, that’s real good. I wonder what kind of underwear Ivana wears.”
Sandy and Jen who were mortal enemies the night before let bygones by bygones and start cranking out the product. They take their time and focus on quality. In two and a half hours, they make ten bars. Even Mr. Rogers is yelling at the screen to pick it up.
The Umpa Lumpa safety inspection team waddles along in unison. Their first comment is obvious, “Is this it?”
Act two of this task involves hustling the candy on the streets. Sandy and Jen pioneer the M&M Sisters campaign. It involves selling themselves more than the candy. The heels were high and the skirts were even higher. Jen admits, “We’re willing to do anything within reason.” Quite honestly Jen, from the promos I’ve seen that might not be enough.
The girls price the bars at five dollars and have no problem moving product while combining candy with eye candy.
At Apex, they go with the more reasonable number of two dollars a bar. Considering they’re facing the notable handicap of being fully clothed, the bars aren’t exactly flying off the shelf. Kevin quickly loses faith and drops the amount down to a single dollar.
Ivana finds out her evil stepsisters are selling theirs for five bones while Kevin is basically giving them away to homeless people. As we fade to commercial, you can see the wheels turning in Ivana’s eyes. You can see the heat rushing to her head as Kevin explains five dollars is just not happening. You can see the idea taking shape behind her pupils, “I can’t lose to Jen…I can’t stand Jen…I must take my clothes off.”
When we return, the time has come. Ivana is already showing midriff and the excitement is killing me. I can feel it, the clouds are about to break on her blurry patch from the preview. She decides its time to offer something more than a golden ticket with selected candy bars.
In my candy bar drive for little league, my mom used to give me a lecture and then reluctantly cut a check for all the bars I couldn’t sell. There were always plenty left and I now see why. It was because I couldn’t include this very persuasive sentence: “20 bucks and I‘ll drop my skirt.” Ivana cuts an immediate deal.
Nudity and sex appeal have always been staples of good reality television but it seems to have taken on a life of its own of late. Survivor kicked it off with the butt tanning and then counter punched by dropping lesbians on us out of nowhere. It’s like the Howard Stern show lately. The highlight of last week’s turkey day was my father-in-law sheepishly wondering, “Maybe Leann is a lesbian too!” God, I love the holidays.
As far as the Apprentice’s contribution to the movement, it doesn’t compete. It’s not even close. The blurry patch was unnecessary and tactical. The underwear was actually bikini shorts. It was enough to tick off Di and turn on George but not enough to contend with the girls on CBS.
Things get good in the board room. Seeing the back of Ivana’s thigh has Di in a worse mood than usual. The Donald brings up the flashing and Ivana gets huffy and defensive but manages to keep her pants on.
The Donald slams the table and fires, “You stripped; I’m not hiring a stripper. You’re fired!”
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Reality Roundup by Brian Moran is a nationally syndicated column. This is a personal site for friends, family and fans to enjoy.
