Anthony was sent home after one of his better nights, but who cares. Something else was on the minds of most viewers. A seedy, silent scandal lies beneath that can be best described straight up as “dope”.

There is no show better designed for Tivo viewing than AI. I won’t even begin to argue that. From AI alone, it shaves about two days off my life a year. All the drawn out rhetoric and lame skits, they’re just blips on my screen that go flying by until somebody’s singing or somebody’s going home. That was until Corey Clark cried foul last week exposing the most disgusting, horrific thing to emerge from the show since ‘From Justin to Kelly’.

This profit actually had the nerve to say the results of a reality television program may actually have been altered by a (GASP!) producer. No! Say it ain’t so! How will we ever recover from our innocence shattered? I feel so dirty, so cheated.

Now, my Tivo is dead to me. I watch all the fluff, all the nothing-ness, waiting for that one impromptu moment when somebody says something they shouldn’t. I’m waiting for that one moment when Simon makes that gnawing joke that’s caged up inside him.

When Roger Maris chased down the Babe’s home run record, the game became secondary, just a forum for a greater cause. The same can be said for Maguire and Sosa. Michael Jordan was often seen as above the game. Well, folks, right now, the most insignificant player on the field is Paula Abdul, who offers little value beyond clapping like an over medicated seal, is bigger than the game itself.

I know, I know, I’m talking it up for the good of a column. It’s not that big of a deal, let it go. That’s what you’re thinking and I hear you. But it ain’t happening. I’m incapable of leaving this alone no matter how flimsy the claims or how irrelevant they are if true.

Is it tabloid trash, worthless gossip that even if factual is not pertinent or anybody’s business? Probably. Is it being blown out of proportion by a volatile, story-starved media? Um, yeah, that’s why I’m here. Is it more a publicity stunt than a guilt-ridden man tired of dipping his fingers in holy water every morning begging for internal forgiveness? Puh-lease. Is that going to stop me from over-analyzing it? Negative. I’ve been writing about the same boring numbskulls on ‘The Apprentice’ for 12 weeks, I’ll listen to anything this kid has to say with extreme prejudice to believe.

For starters, the show was great, very gripping. It was slanted as all get out with some hurdles to Clark’s story being conveniently withheld but it was ratings week. Those things happen. Clark’s inability to formulate complete sentences was a nice comedy bonus. I especially enjoyed him referring to romance with Paula as “dope”. If memory serves, that’s exactly how Arsenio described it.

That would have been the funniest thing to come out of all this if we didn’t get treated to a pre-gastric Randy Jackson in shiny stretch pants that left nothing to the imagination. (Wow! Why-o, Why-o, Why-o, did I ever leave Ohio? Two weeks ago, it’s hard to imagine what I would have bet that Randy Jackson was not in Journey. You’ve got some dorky looking white guys there. And then one day, by happenstance, Randy Jackson shows up to jam in a glorified girdle. At that moment, I lost all confidence in my own sense of self to register what’s real and what isn’t. I felt like I was in the Matrix.)

For me, at the end of the day, it all comes back to that phone message. Does she make that call if she has absolutely nothing to hide? If she’s asking him to say “nothing”, that must mean there’s a “something” to hold back, correct? There are some holes in his story, sure, but not enough to squelch that phone message in my mind.

Alright, so let’s say she clipped his bangs, bought him some Buster Browns, and picked the Journey song that Randy Jackson played on (again, Wow!) and even had the affair. Is there anything wrong with that? Immediately, some spoke that she offered advice to other contestants as well. As far as the affair goes, they’re consenting adults. It’s about the same as Ashton and Demi and heck, he said it was “dope”. I thought for sure someone else would come forward as often happens in these cases. Where’s Constantine in all this? Does he not hear opportunity knocking? After he did that Queen song, she looked primed to attack him on stage right then.

So the only open issue is Paula’s efforts to skew the show hurting the “integrity” of the franchise. Now, people, we’ve covered this ground before. Just because they use the word reality does not make it real. If anything, it’s exactly the opposite. It’s a saturated version for your viewing pleasure. Did you see ‘Survivor’ two weeks ago? ALL reality shows are adjusted with a nip or a tuck here and there. Twenty years from now, we’ll look back on this era like we look at the quiz shows of the fifties. Maybe Robert Redford will make a boring movie about it.

The truth of the matter is, without intervention from an overseeing party, some of these shows would be un-watch able. Somebody has to right the ship when it veers toward boredom. Often times, somebody else gets screwed in the process.

On top of producer intervention being passé, how much sway does Paula Abdul really have? Does she really have that much pull with the nation? Let’s consider that she’s never said an overtly negative thing in four seasons. That poses a glitch to her reliability right off the top. She never really had a ton of credibility as an artist, how can she have credibility as a judge of artists?

When all is said and done, this situation absolutely defines “win-win”. In the business world, you hear those cliché words all the time, but this instance actually fits it. AI is not going to struggle because of this, believe me. Participation next season will not dip either. It will probably increase. Teenage boys might actually think the whole Paula thing is part of the package.

There are six kids who just missed the top twelve that year who are bummed, the rest of the country is chirping. And you don’t exactly have to win to become famous. William Huong finished dead last and still cut a record deal.

So as flimsy as this whole ordeal is, it certainly seems to overshadow the whole record contract/instant celebrity thing going on in the background. I’m now tuning in just to see what comments and references are made to the extra-curricular activities. I’d almost forgotten a talent show was going on and the thought of writing about it is laughable. Who was good, who was bad, who cares? There’s a “he said, she said” battle being waged with new artillery flying every day. That’s the soup of the day, not the contest.

As painful as this is, I’m glad it happened. If we band together, I think we’re all going to pull through this. We’ve survived much worse. These are the moments where you learn about yourself. They’re challenging, they’re revealing and maybe even a little gross.

Oh, sorry, I was talking about Randy Jackson in hot pants again. (Wow!)