In a world where Ozzy Osbourne is America’s favorite TV dad, it’s not hard to believe there are millions of simpletons like myself craving three years worth of storylines like “Jessica has a root canal”. But they’re back. They’re pet-owners and they’re as entertaining as ever.

The Newlyweds signed on for a third season on one of the more unlikely sensations in reality television. They hit the scene around the same time as Anna Nicole and I remember predicting Ms. Smith would blow the Newlyweds out of the water. It seemed like a no-brainer. Good job Miss Cleo. With a staggering crystal-ball like mine, they should give me my own reality column.

I, of course, was way off. The show is mesmerizing. I’ve always enjoyed the duo immensely but now as a newlywed myself, I get even more out of their little chides than before. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that being a newlywed is great. It’s a joyous and wondrous sacrament. It’s amazing how much joy you can bring to someone with tiny acts of romantic tenderness like shaving your neck or finally cutting your toenails. It’s a beautiful thing.

This couple is a great example of what a strong young marriage takes. They keep it fresh by trying new things and laughing all the time. It doesn’t hurt that Nick is still the most down-to-earth celebrity in history. No one even comes close. Well, maybe Kato.

I didn’t realize how much I missed them until the first frame. They’ve got a simple wit that elicits repetitive chuckles. I laugh more than with most sitcoms. My wife has actual aspirations of us being friends with them someday. Although, if by some miracle, we’re ever given the opportunity to meet them, I don’t like our chances. I have jokes prepared just in case so I won’t let the misses down but I just don’t see it happening, that’s all. (“Hey Nick, looks like you just moved into second place for best hair in the room, Yanni just walked in.” I know the chances are infinitesimal that I’ll ever get to use that one, but if I do, it’ll kill.)

There was a free agent pickup over the off-season. Remember the battle of small dog versus big dog. Well, it’s pretty obvious that Jessica is still undefeated. They’ve housebroken little Daisy and I feel betrayed. It might be time to evaluate exactly how much reality TV I watch because I feel like they’re sneaking around behind my back. It’s a little scary.

The pair head to Napa Valley to celebrate their second anniversary. One thing is noticeable early. They’ve grown quite comfortable on camera. Nick would go episodes playing the silent game while Jessica filled the air waves in previous years. This season they’re more conversational. It’s like real voyeurism instead of the manufactured variety. Sure, she still tries too hard to say stupid things and he still tries to hard to get some action but the increase in their comfort level has added some surprise value.

On their romantic getaway Nick gives Jessica a card which I’m guessing was heartfelt but I’ll never know. Her efforts to read it turned into an odyssey of mythical proportions. Nick's handwriting stumped her on “perspective” and “honored”. The finale was, “Is that lay?” Nick dejected that the card was a flop: “it's try.” Good times. The encore was Jessica handing the card back to Nick after she read it rendering it even more meaningless.

They spend an afternoon squishing grapes under their bare feet. They drink a few glasses of self made wine with Nick loving it. Jessica says, “It tastes like Nick’s feet.” Afterwards, walking a straight line becomes even more difficult for Jessica than usual.

Throughout the weekend, Nick must have downed eight meals because Jessica won’t eat a thing. While on the brink of starvation, she gets tempted by a pear only to dry-heave. She tried to wash that down with some ice cream that she complained was either fig or leaf flavored with an outside chance of Pine-sol.

All-in-all, I enjoyed it more than I thought since I’m having such a hard time containing my excitement about the upcoming Ashlee Simpson Show depicting her debacle on SNL. And yes, I was on board that now sacred Saturday night; six pack in hand, to watch Ashley do her best to flush her career down the toilet. The acoustics in that studio have to be among the world’s worst and I’ve seen it expose people to the point of no recovery. (Courtney Love) And at first, I was crushed to see Ashlee lip sync the first song. But the second song more than made up for it when the lip sync machine pulled a Milli Vanilli. I’m sure life could’ve been better at that one moment, but I just don’t see how.

The Lacheys came through the first two years with honors. Everybody says the first year is the toughest. Jessica commented on that before and she said it didn’t seem that tough. I have to agree. If this is as tough as it gets, I’m not worried.

Marriage was a quick sell for me. The beauty and serenity of the institution was made clear on our first beat. On day one of our honeymoon we locked in an embrace while marveling at the beauty of the Pacific Ocean. The magical splendor of marriage was revealed to me when this pearl of honesty left my wife’s loving lips:

“You have an enormous zit on your back!”

I’ll say it again, it’s a beautiful thing. Mushy moments like that lend a sense of reverence to the eternal promise. The initial baby steps are always the most exciting. You find yourself adjusting to the virtues that make a marriage run. You live and you learn together. It’s about compromise and laughter and of course honesty:

“My God, it’s like Mt. Everest, turn around.”

Committing yourself to someone forever is the most beautiful experience you can have on this earth. The joy is unbridled and its beauty unparalleled. It’s just like that great big Pacific Ocean and its many splendors. Large and mysterious and you know it's always going to be there.

“Ahhhhhh, it’s got stuff squirting out of it and everything. Go get a tissue.”

Yup, its good stuff. As Nick put it, sometimes it takes nothing more than a good topic change to help a marriage. The bliss can be found in large moments of meaning or in simply squishing grapes.

As for now, I can’t wait to see what's in store for the happy couple in years to come. Oh yeah, and I’ll also try to keep an eye on the Lachey’s for you as well.