Martha Stewart barely edged out Mike Tyson for the first convicted criminal owning a reality show. It wasn’t quite as absorbing as the first episode of the real ‘Apprentice’ but the unlikely spin-off did grab my attention and hold it. Considering it kept me from watching an imminent plane crash in LA, I’d say it had some grip.

We start off with a quick rehash of the last twenty-five years for the ice queen. She kicks it off with, “There’s no place home” which has never been more appropriate since she’s probably got a house-arrest monitor strapped to her ankle at present. The outline alluded to but did not include her prison sentence. I was hoping to hear more about going to jail over one teeny, tiny stock trade, but she mentioned tough times and left it at that. No war stories from the clink.

Sitting in George and Carolyn’s seat are her chairman Charles and her daughter Alexis. Things get dicey when Charles reveals that one of the contestants Bethany is a distant acquaintance. She lived with his daughter in Paris and dated his son. She was also the godmother of his child and they car pooled in together. I take it the casting process is a bit more lax than the Donald’s. It was one of those “uh-oh” moments where everybody looks at each other wondering if it’s a misdeal and they have to recast everyone.

Champagne is served and the gang quickly gear up to get hammered and do something they’ll regret when they’re given orders to pick teams. No captains, no last person picked and no chief morale officer, just some discussion about qualities they have in common. They go with corporate versus creative. The team names are Primarius and Matchstick. Stewart responds well to Matchstick. Immediately she fires, “Ooooh, I like it, I can see the logo already. I see a brightly, burning… (dramatic pause for effect)…match.”

She’s still got it.

The task could rival anything the Donald has dreamt up. They’re to select an existing children’s story and create an updated version more applicable to the times. Primarius decides to take Jack and the Beanstalk to where it has much more present day relevance, below sea level. Matchstick takes Hansel and Gretel to a mystical land where they despise their parents for saddling them with heinous names.

That idea was rivaled only by its execution. Dawn declares to an eight person room that she needs absolute silence to write. She’s immediately scratched and Jeff the PM steps in to create a tale that the team described as “dark” and “confusing” but in his defense, it rhymes. Dawn pouts because the room keeps talking and their leader is banging out a Dr. Seuss after school special without the laughter. It does however, have the timeless message that kids should hate who they are and run away.

As Primarius recruits children for their rough draft, the chairman of the board chimes in, “If you connect with the consumer, you’re going to win.” He selectively left out, “Especially if you’re chums with my daughter, had a hot tryst with my son and represent a large portion of my will.”

Dawn redeems herself by delaying the dress rehearsal of the reading of the “Misnamed Kids” to slam a banana. She then disagrees with Jeff about standing or sitting Indian style to present to the confused and potentially frightened kids. Shawn, the news caster, is a last minute fill in.

She did her best to sell a story about a couple of crazy kids running away to the notary office to get their names legally changed but it went over the five year olds heads. The kid’s faces said it all, “Are there any ginger bread houses? What does triplicate mean?” Jack and the Giant Seaweed went over much better.

Jeff couldn’t overcome that he basically wrote the story through the eyes of the crypt keeper and was sent packing but not fired. Martha is not firing anybody. She’s bringing a woman’s touch to the table. There’s no corporate takeover feel. She makes her own calls. She doesn’t can people insensitively. She hand writes good bye notes to ease the pain. And her assistant is not leggy and striking.

As for her catch phrase, it’s probably something she heard while trying to organize a Tupperware party in the mess hall, “You just don’t fit in."