Season six of the hit show ‘American Idol’ returned Tuesday night and it was a freak show. Either the entire middle of the country can’t sing or AI may have just run out of people.

More than 100,000 hopefuls in seven different cities across the country auditioned for AI and most proved they can’t carry a tune to save their life. Granted, all contestants are screened through producers before they even get to the judges, so the show is produced to be a train wreck and that’s why people watch.

The show Tuesday night was centered around the auditions in Minneapolis. It was everything we’ve been waiting for. Right out of the gate, make-up artist Jessica Rhodes, gets her dream shattered followed by a bout of ugly crying. Simon cheers her up, “The good news is that you now know you’ll never be a singer so you can move on to something else.” God bless him. Is it possible for anyone else to say the most hateful, hurtful, life ending sentiment, but say it with an upbeat tune and raised eyebrows and sell it as endearing? I think not.

Then we meet the coolest Amish guy alive. Troy is living an Amish paradise sporting sunglasses and a gangsta’ hat as he describes himself as “Urban Amish”. You know this guy gets all the least-plain chicks on the plantation. He’s never seen the show, so he decides to write his lyrics on the fly like: “But as you pin my arms down on the ground and your spit drips into my face“ and “This catalog I found, sells roaches by the pound.”

I’m not sure what’s going on in Amish country, but that movie ‘Witness’ was way off.

Jesse left in the middle of his audition for some Dasani after comparing himself to Mariah Carey. When dismissed, he complains of the merits of the judges saying, “When was the last time you've seen Paula on TV dancing around, doing stuff?”

Obviously, Jesse doesn’t watch Seattle news. Paula appeared on a Seattle news program to talk about the city’s singing talent. Paula appeared to be drunk slurring word and waived with two hands when the anchors greeted her. Paula blamed it on an audio feed mix-up.

In an interview Tuesday with Matt Lauer, AI host Ryan Seacrest said, “Here’s the way I sort of sum up ‘American Idol’. You have Ying, Yang and Paula. It’s the balance of the Idol universe.”

Getting back to Tuesday night’s season premiere, Perla from Colombia called Seacrest “kind of short” making me giddy. He got huffy and sniped, “You’re short, and I’m average.” She started with a Blondie song, but got a reprieve when Randy recommended a Shakira song and Perla slid through to Hollywood. For those keeping score at home, that’s two yes’s to only one Urban Amish. It’s still too close to call, just one more unkempt beard and we could have overtime.

Trista bragged of doing a killer cowardly lion impression. It didn’t go over well with the judges but I loved it. Only I thought it was a spot-on Chewbacca impression. Either that or she was gargle-ing on an oyster.

“This year it’s really bizarre. I was speechless at times when contestants would walk out of the room because there is nothing to say about what they’ve done inside,” Seacrest told Lauer.

Overall, guest judge Jewel didn’t seem impressed with anybody. She’s the anti-Paula. She seemed to wince when contestants prepared for big notes. When you have actual musical training, I guess that can be the case. All-in-all, I counted four onto Hollywood and 40 train wrecks. Somewhere, William Huong is smiling.